The Laramee Filter: pseudorandom thoughts, subsequently put on the Internet.
Tom Laramee
Date Published:
June 15th, 2021
Word Count:
719 (5:00 read time)
Filed Under:

I Think It's Time For a New National Holiday

And I'd Like To Offer a Proposal: National Gas-Powered Leaf Blower Day

I would like to suggest a new national holiday called "National Gas-Powered Leaf Blower Day" (NGPLBD). It will be a celebratory American holiday in which everyone is encouraged to pull out their gas-powered leaf blower and blow leaves dust and dirt back and forth between adjacent houses, into the gutter, or simply straight up into the air.

What could be more quintessentially American than the wanton burning of fossil fuels, accompanied by incredibly loud noise, via the least environmentally friendly device in existence? The smell of hot exhaust from all of those 2-stroke engines burning their oil and releasing it into the local atmosphere for all to enjoy will be the cherry on top [of this American pie].

We would get to befoul the planet and make a lot of noise at the same time, while making a nice little contribution to greenhouse gases (one has to admire the efficiency of time spent here).

It's a like a mini-NASCAR in everyone's backyard, in everyone's neighborhood, on everyone's street.

It'll be a sweet reminiscence, nay, an ode to, the sounds, and smells of July 4th fireworks, only set off over the Indianapolis 500.

We can dress our gas-powered leaf blowers up in red, white, and blue, and give them names, like "Carcinogenic Loud Cloud", "Inner Peace Destroyer", "Hyperlocal Environmental Nightmare", and "My Personal Chernobyl".

We could even have competitions: think "inverse tug of war" where two gas-powered leaf blowers face off and try to blow a small vehicle with a mast and sail on it across the opponents starting line.

Think "inverse raking a pile of leaves": a competition in which we could dump a huge mound of leaves, sand, and pine needles all over the street and see who could blow the most debris into their neighbors yards.

Obviously we'd have to include an "iron man" competition and see who could continually use their gas-powered leaf blower for 24+ hours straight, live-streamed over the internet. That or, a sort of relay-race in which a gas-powered leaf blower is periodically handed off from person to person, the receiver then "runs" the next "leg" of the "race" to see who can "win" this "competition".

The other huge bonus, which is incidental but also a significant upside, is that people who have been confined to their homes during the pandemic (and are therefore already suffering from the psychological stress of home confinement) will be unable to find any peace whatsoever on this day. There constant revving of all of the gas-powered leaf blowers will definitely set these peace-seeking, nature-loving, eco-friendly candy-asses on edge, frazzling their nerves even further and pushing them to the brink of insanity.

(Potentially even driving some of them insane).

It will be a celebration of our freedom to befoul the environment for [literally] zero net gain in "removed yard debris".

Another huge upside is that the sounds of mass shootings will significantly more difficult to discern over the constant sound of all of those gas-powered leaf blowers ("Did you hear that!? Was it gunfire?" / "No, I didn't hear a thing. I'm too busy enjoying the sounds of all of these gas-powered leaf blowers. It's the sound of pure freedom."). We can all breathe a sigh of relief* and set our concerns about out-of-control gun violence aside for just a few hours: see no evil, hear no evil, taste no evil.

It goes without saying that irresponsible alcohol consumption is highly encouraged, possibly even mandatory (as it wouldn't otherwise meet the minimum qualifications for an American holiday).

This will be the best holiday of the year. Burning oil? Loud noise? Excessive alcohol consumption? Destroy the planet one blown leaf at a time? It's perfect. It's the perfect national holiday and needs to find a place on every American calendar as soon as possible**.



* Ahhh.... smell that 2-stroke exhaust as you attempt to breath in clean air. So good!
** Incidentally, my neighbors think "Every Rainy Day is National Gas-Powered Leaf Blower Day". It's very odd to see them out there blowing wet leaves around. I have a mental note to ask them about the relative benefits of using one of these machines on wet days.